Cual es el mejor sexo?

One of my biggest complaints about the way that sex is talked about in public is that it is simplified beyond honest recognition. That is to say, the way we talk about sex bears little relationship to the sex we actually have, and less to the sex we want.

In the abstract this feels like a ploy by for profit entities of all stripes (publishers, therapists, television producers, etc…) to keep us frustrated and wanting more, specifically something more they can sell us.

But when a concrete example of this complaint appears, as it did the other day when I read a study on the components of "optimal sex" by one of my favorite sex researchers, I realize that my complaint itself is a simplification.

No matter how hard some of us want to keep sex complicated, when we try to talk about it, even in complicated ways, it's almost impossible not to either simplify it ourselves or provide fodder for those who are just dying to keep it simple.

So begins the paper "The Components of Optimal Sexuality: A Portrait of `Great Sex'" which represents part of what plans to be a ten year study on the nature of great sex by Canadian sex therapist and research Peggy Kleinplatz and graduate students at the University of Ottawa. Indeed the researchers chose the term "optimal sex" in an effort to get away from creating yet another gold standard by which people will compare their current sex lives. Optimal is meant to evoke something that's more, but not necessarily better suited to any individual. The goal of the research, in part, is to begin to describe in an empirical way the outer edges of human sexual experience, particularly experiences that people who have them describe as "great sex".

Or put more simply, the researchers are trying to figure out what makes great sex great. See how much easier it is to simplify?

There is much in this paper to unpack, but cutting to the chase so to speak, here are the eight components of great sex that the researchers identified after conducing semi-structured interviews with people who identified as having had great sex:

• Being present, focused, and embodied.
• Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch.
• Deep sexual and erotic intimacy.
• Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy.
• Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency.
• Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing.
• Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun.
• Vulnerability and surrender.

In the paper the researchers expand a little on each component and offer quotes fro participants. One of the things that the early press has focused on is not so much what's in the list but what isn't. Participants didn't emphasize either physical prowess or orgasms in most of their descriptions of what is great sex. To be fair they did often say that orgasms were a part of great sex, but in general they didn't think that orgasms alone defined great sex.

What I love about this structure is how each element offers complex and contradictory ways of thinking about ones own experience. The first one to leap out at me was the concept of great sex as being "embodied". For an experience to be embodied does one have to have a good relationship and awareness of ones physical body? I can see how being aware of your body and how it is feeling, and being able to focus on that could lead to great sex. But being narrowly focused on your body can also be a distraction in sex and even make feeling desire or pleasure difficult. I would argue this makes the concept of "embodied sex" a much more useful for anyone interested in exploring the potential of sexual experience than something like "g spot sex" as it defies simple explanation.

For those interested in the specifics, the researchers interviewed 64 people who identified as having had great sex. Of the 64 people 25 were over the age of 60 and 19 of them self-identified as being a "sexual minority". The older adults who were interviewed had all been in long-term relationships (the researchers figuring that anyone who was still enjoying sex after decades together likely would have something to share on the subject of great sex). This paper is only the most recent (they have a few already published and several more on the way).

The research is unique not only for whom they spoke with and how they analyzed the data, it's unique in its focus on positive sexuality. Most sex research and almost all clinical sex literature focuses on sexual dysfunction and helping people "return to normal". Years of working with clients, and actually paying attention to them, brought Kleinplatz to the conclusion that helping clients return to whatever they consider "normal" simply isn't doing enough to help them actualize their sexual potential. If we really want to help people access the positive potential of human sexual experience we've got to do more. And she figured we should start at the beginning by knowing what "more" actually is.

Unfortunately the media coverage thus far has been disappointing, missing the point about great sex involving a completely individual, subjective deconstruction of rules and cultural norms and instead reporting that great sex isn't Script A that said media conglomerate has been touting all these years, it's actually Script B! I have no doubt that once more U.S. media gets a hold of this study it will get a lot more coverage, hopefully some of it will be better.

_{Reference:
Kleinplatz, P.J., Menard, A.D., Paquet, M-P, et. al. "The Components of Optimal Sexuality: A Portrait of `Great Sex'" The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality Vol. 18, No. 1-2 (2009): 1-13.}